Soham (pronounced So Hum) is a Vedic mantra that basically means “I am.”

Yesterday, I began a three week meditation course offered for free by Deepak Chopra and Oprah. The first day’s meditation reflected on who I am.  The lesson began by explaining that you are your deepest desire.  This lesson couldn’t have come at a more opportune time in my life.  I’ve been struggling for a while now wondering who I am, and have struggled for years with low self-confidence, not liking who I thought I was.

From the time I was little, I only wanted to be a wife and mother.  I’ve always tried my best to be both to Matt and the boys.  Matt has always told me time and time again that I am the best of both.  He is full of reassurance and praise.  He always has been.  But there are old demons in my head.  And because of them, I’m not nearly as kind to myself as Matt is to me.  The demons often scream that I’m not pretty enough, not thin enough, that I don’t clean well enough and that the meals I cook are sub-par.  They scream that I don’t give or do enough.  And recently they’ve started shouting that I’m not young enough.  I wonder what else I could do to be a better wife.  It’s a process I work on and try to improve.  I try to shine light on the demons and see them for what they really are … scars of a past life.  Untruths that were branded on my psyche.

I wasn’t however, in that past life or this one, ever told that I was a bad mother.  I have always loved my boys with reckless abandon, and I loved being a mom from minute one. It’s a tough gig, but one I know I was created for.  I love to take care of those I love.  I love to comfort, help, teach, lead, inspire, nurture and heal.

Now that the boys are older, I often feel like I’m failing in the mommy category.  I can’t always fix their problems anymore.  The mommy magic has been shown to be just me behind the Emerald City curtain.

The 20 minute meditation lesson spoke about connecting with and understanding who you are, what you most deeply desire, and gently closed with the affirmation that whatever you discover during the meditation, you are perfect.  So last night after all was quiet, I took my computer and headphones to my comfy chair, turned out the lights, lit a candle and settled in.  The guided meditation began with soft, soothing music and focused on stillness and repeating Soham.  I didn’t expect much, but gamely focused and stilled myself and my breathing.

This is what happened …. several minutes into the meditation, tears began to flow.  I wasn’t boo-hooing, or crying or sobbing in my normal fashion, the tears just began to stream down my face.  I didn’t stop them.  Then the words began.  Soham. I am a mother. Soham.  I am a wife.  Soham.  I am a nurturer.  Soham.  I am loving.  Soham.  I am enough.