Today, I took walk down memory lane with my baby… courtesy of a viral video.  I swear the video seemed scene-for-scene based on Tristan’s childhood and here’s some evidence:

Yes, my heart did break (watch the short video link below to understand the reference)

He still loves and sleeps with his teddy bears every night (shhh … don’t tell him I’m publishing this), and I still lie down with him every night until he’s asleep.  Although he has graduated to saying his prayers silently in his head, he still often shares them with me, and he has such a strong heart for God and Jesus. 

So this blog has been pretty barren lately.  I didn’t want to bring more of the ugliness, turmoil and fear I was feeling here.  So I’m going to talk about what (and who) has put Humpty Dumpty together again .. silver linings and my angels in disguise.

Photo by Tristan

About 15 year ago, I came to the realization that God puts certain special people in our lives.  I call them my angels in disguise because they have impacted my life in such monumentally huge and wonderful ways, and I can always so clearly see His hands at work in the circumstances that surround these people. The ways they enter our lives, the ways they help us, the ways they lift us up, light us up, the way they stay with us … the way they save us.

One of those angels is my beautiful friend who has become the sister of my heart, who although she’s many miles away, walks side by side with me through every struggle, and rejoices and cheers with me through every joy as if each were her own.  I am always amazed that God graced me with her friendship.  Just tonight she popped in and put a smile on my face with a just a few words.  I so blessed to have a few of those friends who may not be close in distance, but are are always close in my heart.

And then there are my babies.  My nickname for Tristan has always been baby angel … and rightly so.  He is just such a ray of light.  My teenage baby just walked by and said “Love you mom.”  Is there any better joy than hearing those words???

Another of my angels is the big lug I’m married to … my BDH … Oh don’t get me wrong, my Darling Husband definitely has plenty of those moments that have helped me perfect my eye roll (if nothing else in life, I could get an award for that), the hand on the hip (I’m pretty good at that too AND the double arm cross), and the “really????.”  Oh yes, he can be exasperating and frustrating and stubborn, BUT I think that just makes his disguise even more clever.

Sometimes in life, if you’re really lucky, (i.e. if you’re really struggling), God with throw out a combo deal.  Perfect example of a silver lining/angel combo…. I left work and headed for a much needed yoga class.  On that day, Humpty Dumpty wasn’t in very good shape and didn’t want her baby angel to see her until she could try to put herself together at least a little bit.  Yoga was the only place I could think to go and was hoping the hour and a half class would release some endorphins … sweat out some toxins … something.  It was not to be.  I pulled into the parking lot to discover that I had completely forgotten to grab the bag containing my yoga clothes.

So I started driving home.  I was in a part of town where traffic is really heavy, so I called BDH and tried to figure out how to pull myself together enough to walk in the house and not worry my baby angel.  Humpty Dumpty was a mental zombie at this point and BDH just tried to distract me with work talk.  Having worked in the same industry for years, we talk about his work often and he was telling me about some contracts and negotiations and I was zoning out.

Then he mentioned that he had a round table meeting. His boss asked everyone to tell a story that they liked about themselves.  BDH was the last to go.  Most people told funny stories or a talent, something they were proud of, etc.  I was fully expecting BDH to tell the story of when, at the age of 30 and having never been a runner, he began to run, then trained for and ran his first marathon to raise money for cancer.  He’s proud of that story.  I’m proud of that story.  I can think of so many stories he could have told.

The story he told shocked me.  He told the story of our first date.  And I’ll save the details for another time.  Our story is going to get it’s own post (soon, I hope).

There are parts of that night that are hilarious and I laughed.  And there are parts that are beautiful, and I cried.  And there are parts that are magic, and I sobbed. And BDH kept talking and reminding me of more and more times and memories in our lives, and by the time I pulled into the driveway, Humpty Dumpty was put together again.

Photo by Tristan

So there is God’s combo deal … the silver lining of forgetting the bag led to me driving home at a later time, during heavy traffic, when BDH was already home and that angel was ready to work his magic.

I’m pretty sure that Bikram means “heat torture” in the Indian language.  Guess who took their first Bikram Yoga class yesterday?  Guess who can’t bend their back today?  The same woman who also loved the class and can’t wait to go back.  Does that make me masochistic?  I’m pretty sure you’re all shaking your heads, “yes.”

So, for those of you who don’t know, Bikram Yoga is 90 minutes of yoga in a room heated to 105 degrees. It focuses a lot on flexibility and balance.  I went into it prepared for the hot room.  But nothing can really adequately prepare you for that kind of heat.  Just sitting on my mat, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and even some of the simplest poses had me seeing stars.

The staff at the local studio are fantastic and so welcoming and even gave me this …

in honor of my valiant efforts.  So I came home last night, chugged approximately 32 gallons of water and sat down to watch an episode of Project Runway I had taped.  I didn’t even make it 15 minutes into the show. I woke up at 4:50 a.m., still on the sofa, with that precious button clasped in my hands.  It is truly a medal of honor.

Thankfully, my CT scan came back normal!  Such a relief!  I had a wonderful weekend celebrating my birthday, some wonderful conversations with great friends (by phone and by e-mail), and I am counting my blessings: friend by beautiful friend, and family member by wonderful family member.  It’s amazing how a few very special people in your life can make a world of difference.  I am so grateful for my small group of angels!  You know who you are and I love you!!!  I just wish each of you could live next door rather than across the country.

Tristan and Brennen’s generations is a curious one to say the least!  They Plank, do the Harlem Shake (Tristan’s Gifted & Talented teacher actually made a class Harlem Shake video – egads!), and now there’s a trend called Owling.  Owling is posing like an owl in unusual places (yes it’s real – I Googled it – I even have the link to prove it).

http://www.oddee.com/item_97833.aspx

And here is Tristan’s homage to what I think of as Generation ???

It’s been 5 years today, and I have grieved you every one of those days.  In the early days, I tried to have faith that while my arms were empty and my heart broken, you were safe and loved in God’s arms.  Now, I imagine you running and playing, smiling and laughing, still safe by God’s side.  But there’s not a day that I don’t wish my arms were the ones holding you.  And every time I see a butterfly (which is almost daily), I feel you with me.  Momma loves you, Chase, and as the song says, you’re worth all of me.  (Special thanks to my dear friend, Sherri, for introducing this song to me). 

So Brennen had interview #3 with Sonic today and it went really well.  They told him to come back tomorrow with his social security card and id to fill out some paperwork and take some tests.  The drive home was a happy one … and the elation last about 30 minutes at which time it was replaced by a high fever from nowhere, nausea, aches, congestion- the whole bag of tricks.  He’s now super weak, achy, congested.  It seems completely different from what Tristan had Thursday.  Oh, my babies.  There’s nothing worse than seeing them sick and hurting.

During the phases in our life, I’ve often joked that we should buy stock in one product or another because it seems certain that we are single-handedly funding said company with our purchases. Right now, it seems I can’t buy enough Lysol and Germ-x wipes.  This is just another reason why I would so love to home-school, but that’s a blog for another day.  For now I’ll just say goodnight and say a few more prayers for healthy, happy kiddos.

… and illness.  I’m writing this at 1:44 in the morning as my angel Tristan has just vomited for the 7th time since coming home from school this evening.  He doesn’t often catch stomach bugs (those are normally Brennen’s domain), so watching his little body wracked with pain is leaving me feeling very helpless. There’s nothing I hate more than being helpless to fix things causing pain to my babies.

Thankfully, my health is much improved.  After 2 weeks of antibiotics and steroids, I have been headache free for 4 days now.  It’s such a relief to not be in constant pain and I’m truly appreciating every moment of health.  I also have renewed hope that the root cause of all the pain is just a combination of poorly designed sinus cavities and common migraines. Now that I’m not in a constant haze, I can reflect back and clearly identify 2 different types of headaches … 1 being the extreme pressure I was feeling from sinus impaction and the other being a right-sided, stabbing and throbbing pain which I assume are the migraines the doctors keep insisting I have.  The ENT had been concerned about the increase in frequency and extremity of my headaches, but I’m hopeful that it was just the result of an untreated infection and that the constant pain combined with a hostile workplace were in turn triggering migraines.

Thankfully, I don’t have much longer to wait for confirmation of my armchair diagnoses.  My CT scans are on February 15 and my appointment to review the results is the following Friday, February 22.

I don’t even know where to start after such a long absence, so I’ll just shoot for a general update on everyone individually.

Stating with the youngest… my little angel.  Tristan’s biggest news is the braces that were put on (top last month and bottom this month), and surviving the first half of the first year of middle school.

Middle school … that place which still makes me cringe at the memories of feeling so alone, none of my friends in my classes, and me being painfully shy.  Thankfully, Tristan has classes with friends, lunch with friends and has inherited much of his dad’s outgoing personality.  Thus he has made new friends also.  But, he has also had his backpack stolen, and been on the receiving end of some unkind rumors.  I have been tempted nearly every day of this school year to yank him out of school. Ok, my quick update isn’t beginning very quickly, so I’ll move on before my blood pressure rises too much higher.

Brennen … a junior in high school and looking towards college.  He’s also finally (against my best efforts to prolong it) taking driver’s ed and has his learner’s permit.  How did this all happen?  And how can I stop it?  This control-freak mom is scared to death at the thought that one of the baby birds will be leaving the nest before I can blink.  And he is ready to fly (at least he thinks he is).  He has the future all mapped out and is already on the path to become a child psychiatrist.  At least I managed to convince him to attend college here rather than returning to Ohio … small victories.

Matt … still running like a madman.  Considering adding crossfit (did I mention the word crazy?) to his daily workouts.  Work is uneventful.  He’s traveling, but not often and not for long stretches.  Oh and most importantly, he’s very happy that the hockey strike is over.

Me … I’ve been having massive headaches which I think are sinus related (for anyone who has ever lived in Texas, I have 2 words … cedar fever).  Cedar Fever is killing me.  So I spent yesterday having tube after tube of blood drawn and a scope to find out that I have a deviated septum with a bone spur and that my head is too congested, impacted and swollen to have a CT scan.  I now have a battery of prescriptions and will have the CT scan in 3 weeks.  And I’ll most likely have to have surgery to widen my sinuses and fix the deviated septum.

So, that’s us in a nutshell at the moment.  My mid-January resolution is to blog at least once a week, from here on out.  Now that I’ve written it, I’m going to hit “publish” so there will be no backing out!